How to Not Be a Dry Texter (Real Before and After Texts)

How to not be a dry texter: the short version

If you've been searching how to not be a dry texter, someone has probably said something. Maybe it was a joke, maybe a slightly hurt "you never ask me anything". Either way, you're not boring. You've just been answering texts as if they were questions on a form.

The fix is smaller than people think. Every reply should give the other person something to reply to. That can be a question, a detail, a reaction or a bad joke. It doesn't need to be long, and you won't need a new personality. A few habits will do.

Why am I such a dry texter?

A few usual suspects, and most of them are fine:

• You see texting as a way to pass on information, and once it's passed on you're done.
• You reply in the gaps, so you type the first thing and go.
• You worry about sounding too keen, so you keep it short and safe.
• You hate small talk and don't know how to do it in writing.
• You're tired, and your phone is the last thing you want to deal with.

Plenty of dry texters are funny, warm people in person. If you want to know how your messages can land on the other side, what a dry texter really is covers that. Texting just removes your voice and your face, so words that sound relaxed out loud can look cold on a screen. loveisrespect makes the same point about jokes: what you meant as playful can be misread.

Before and after: what a less dry reply looks like

None of these took more than ten seconds to type.

7 habits that fix dry texting

1. Answer, then add one thing. "Good" becomes "Good, and I got a free coffee, so I'm basically winning."
2. Ask a question you want the answer to. The Gottman Institute says yes or no questions can stall a conversation, while open ones let the other person shape the reply. Swap "Did you have a good day?" for "What was the best bit of your day?"
3. React before you respond. If someone tells you news, respond to the news first. "Wait, she said WHAT?" beats moving straight on to your own day.
4. Remember something. "How did the driving test go?" tells someone you were listening. It's the most attractive thing a text can do, and it costs nothing.
5. Start sometimes. You don't need a reason. A photo of a dog, a song or "this made me think of you" all count.
6. Use your voice. If typing is the problem, send a twenty second voice note. Some dry texters are excellent at these.
7. Say when you can't chat. "Mad day, proper reply tonight" is warm and takes four seconds. Then actually reply tonight.

You don't need all seven at once. Pick two for a week and see what happens.

Questions about specific situations

How do I not be a dry texter with my crush?

Stop trying to sound cool. Most dry crush texting is fear wearing a disguise, because you've read their message six times and you're scared of saying too much. Show a bit of interest on purpose. Be curious about one thing they said, and share one small thing about you. If you're in the talking stage, it also helps to move towards real plans, as a good chat usually wants to become a date. Just keep it honest. There's a big gap between showing interest and love bombing someone, and pressure isn't charm.

How do I stop dry texting in a relationship?

This one's different, because you already know each other and there may be less news to share. Try sharing small, pointless things: what you ate, who annoyed you, the weird man on the train. The Gottman Institute calls these small reaches for connection "bids", and responding to them matters more than any grand gesture. If your partner sends one, say something back that shows you noticed.

It also helps to talk about it directly. Try:

"I know my texts can be short. It's not that I don't care, I just get lost in the day. What would make you feel more connected when we're apart?"

How do I not be dry on dating apps?

Reply to something specific in their profile instead of "hey". "Is that your dog or did you borrow him for the photo?" gives them an easy way in. After a few good exchanges, suggest meeting or a call. Long text chats with strangers tend to run out of steam on their own.

How do I stop being dry with friends?

Friends usually need less than you think. Send the meme. Reply to the group chat once in a while. Ask how the thing went. If you tend to vanish, a simple "sorry I've been useless, how are you actually?" goes a long way.

What do you say when you've got nothing to say?

Sometimes a chat has simply run out, and that's fine. Keeping it going forever isn't the goal, and forced chatter can feel worse than silence. You can end warmly without leaving a dead "ok" behind:

"I'm falling asleep on you. Tell me how the meeting goes tomorrow?"

"Ok I need to go and be a responsible adult. Talk later x"

A clear ending tells the other person you weren't bored and that you'll be back. It also means nobody spends the evening wondering whether silence means something.

Do you have to change who you are?

No. If you honestly dislike texting, you can say so. Some people will never love a long chat, and a relationship can work fine with fewer messages and more calls or time together. There's no correct amount of texting, which we get into in how often couples should text.

What matters is that the other person doesn't have to guess. "I'm bad at my phone, but I'm thinking about you" is a much better message than three weeks of "haha". And if you've tried and you really have no wish to talk to this person, that's useful to know as well. Be kind and tell them, as a slow fade is harder on them than you think.

Curious how you come across? FlagMyChat reads your exported WhatsApp chat with someone and shows who texts first and how replies compare, which can be a humbling and slightly funny thing to see.

If texting anxiety is what's really holding you back, and you find yourself dreading most social contact, the NHS has guidance on social anxiety and says it's worth speaking to a GP if it's affecting your life.

Checking your progress

After a few weeks of trying, it can be hard to tell if anything has changed. Your partner may be too polite to say. A FlagMyChat report shows both people's scores, every green and red flag with the exact messages, who texts first, reply times and mood over time, so you can see whether the chat feels more balanced. It's for your own chat with someone, never for reading another person's phone.

The zip is opened on your device, the chat is analysed in memory and never stored, and our security page explains how. There's a free daily preview, and the full report is a one-time $3.99.

Honestly, though, the best test is simpler. If people have started replying with more than "lol", it's working.

Frequently asked questions