Gottman's Four Horsemen: Text Message Examples and the Antidotes That Help

What are the Four Horsemen in Gottman's research?

The Four Horsemen Gottman described are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Psychologist John Gottman and his colleagues spent decades watching how couples argue, and these four patterns kept standing out as the ones that wear a relationship down. The name borrows from the four horsemen of the apocalypse, which tells you how seriously the researchers take them.

Some reassurance first. Almost every couple uses some of these sometimes. The Gottman Institute says plainly that being critical of each other now and then doesn't mean a relationship is doomed. The patterns matter when they become the default way you fight, and when nobody repairs afterwards.

Texting makes all four easier to fall into. There's no tone of voice, no softening face, and plenty of time to craft the perfect cutting reply. The upside is that the evidence sits right there in your chat, so you can learn to spot it.

1. Criticism

Criticism isn't the same as a complaint. A complaint is about a specific behaviour. Criticism turns it into an attack on your partner's character, often with words like “always” and “never”.

• Complaint: “You didn't text when you were running late and I was worried.”
• Criticism: “You never think about anyone but yourself. Typical.”

Antidote: a gentle start-up. Talk about your feeling and what you need, using “I” rather than “you”. The Gottman Institute frames it as two questions: what do I feel, and what do I need?

“I felt a bit forgotten tonight when I didn't hear from you. Could you send a quick message next time you're running late?”

2. Contempt

Contempt is criticism with a sneer. Sarcasm, mockery, name-calling, eye-roll emojis, imitating how your partner talks. It comes from a place of superiority, and it leaves the other person feeling worthless. The Gottman Institute describes contempt as the single greatest predictor of divorce.

• “Wow, you finally replied. Should I throw a party? 🙄”
• “Oh poor you, so tired from your very hard day.”
• “Are you actually this stupid or just pretending?”

Antidote: build a culture of appreciation. Contempt grows when negative thoughts about a partner pile up unspoken. The counterweight is noticing and saying the good things, regularly and in small ways. Gottman's work suggests stable couples have at least five positive interactions for every negative one during conflict. Over text, that can be as simple as “Thanks for sorting the dinner booking, that was really thoughtful.”

If contempt is constant and aimed at you, especially mixed with insults or humiliation, that's more than a communication habit. Our list of red flags in a relationship can help you think it through.

3. Defensiveness

Defensiveness usually shows up in response to criticism. It sounds like excuses, counter-attacks or playing the innocent victim, and its hidden message is “the problem is you, not me”.

• “Well I wouldn't be late if you didn't keep changing plans.”
• “So now I can't do anything right?”
• “What about the time you forgot my birthday dinner?”

Antidote: take responsibility, even for part of it. You don't have to agree with everything to own your bit.

“You're right, I should have messaged. I got caught up and didn't think. Sorry you were worried.”

4. Stonewalling

Stonewalling is when one person shuts down and stops responding. In person it's the blank face and the turned back. Over text it's the read receipt with no reply, the single “k”, or leaving the chat mid-argument. The Gottman Institute explains that stonewalling usually happens because someone feels physiologically flooded, so overwhelmed that calm conversation isn't possible in that moment. We look at this horseman on its own, with more examples, in our guide to stonewalling in relationships.

That's worth knowing if you're the anxious one in the relationship. Silence in the middle of a fight can feel like rejection, and it's natural to send more and more messages to get a response. Often that floods the other person further. People who lean avoidant are especially prone to this shutdown.

Antidote: a soothing break. Say that you're overwhelmed and need time, then actually calm down. The Gottman Institute recommends a break of at least twenty minutes doing something soothing, like walking or listening to music, rather than rehearsing your next argument.

“I'm getting too wound up to reply well. I'm going to take half an hour and then message you properly. I'm not ignoring you.”

The Four Horsemen and their antidotes at a glance

What to say when your partner uses a horseman

Knowing the names doesn't help much if you then send “That's contempt, by the way” mid-argument. Labelling your partner's behaviour usually lands as more criticism. It works better to respond to the feeling underneath and ask for what you need.

• When you get criticism: “I can hear you're frustrated. Can you tell me what happened that upset you, rather than what's wrong with me?”
• When you get contempt: “I want to sort this out, but I can't when it turns into mocking. Can we try again in a bit?”
• When you get defensiveness: “I'm not trying to blame you. I just want us to fix this for next time.”
• When you get stonewalling: “I can see you've gone quiet. That's fine. Can we pick this up at 8 tonight?”

Then give it time. One calm message does more than five anxious ones, and a plan to talk later stops “later” turning into never. If you notice the same horseman in your own messages, say so. “I was being sarcastic earlier and that wasn't fair” is a repair attempt, and it often softens things faster than any argument.

It also helps to talk about these patterns when you're both relaxed, not in the middle of a row. Sending this article with “I think we both do number three sometimes” is gentler than pointing out each other's horsemen during a fight.

How to spot the Four Horsemen in your own chat

Try this the next time an argument cools down. Scroll back through it and, for every message, ask which of these it is: a complaint or criticism, appreciation or contempt, responsibility or defence, a break or a shutdown. Do it for your messages first. It's humbling, and it's also where change actually starts.

Look for repair attempts too. A joke that breaks the tension, “sorry, that came out wrong”, a heart emoji after a tense exchange. Couples who repair often can survive plenty of clumsy fights. If you want to know what healthy looks like, our guide to green flags in a relationship is a good counterbalance.

Seeing the bigger picture without spiralling

When you're anxious, one harsh message can echo for days and overshadow months of kindness. It helps to look at the whole history rather than the line you keep replaying. FlagMyChat reads your own exported WhatsApp chat with your partner and scores both of you, flags patterns like criticism, contempt and guilt-tripping with the exact messages, and shows how the mood and reply times change over time. Sometimes it confirms that something needs a real conversation. Sometimes it shows that one bad night isn't the whole story. You can see how it works in the sample report.

Privacy matters with something this personal. The zip is opened on your device, the chat is analysed in memory and never stored, and there's no account to create, which is why we describe FlagMyChat as a private WhatsApp chat analyzer (see our security page). There's a free daily preview, and the full report is a one-time $3.99 on the pricing page. Treat it as a starting point for a calmer conversation with your partner, not a judgement on them. If you'd like to analyse your chat, it takes a couple of minutes.

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